Progressive Humor

Next Week Will Do

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. More recently, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....  I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I just can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least two minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

How to Speak Manglish Fluently

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/goofs.htm

The Many Dangers Of Thinking  

It started out innocently enough.

I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.  I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself --  but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.  

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.  She spent that night  at her mother's.  I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.  I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I  would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,  "What is it exactly we are doing here?"  

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts  me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.  If you don't  stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."  This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation  with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."  

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"  

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."  

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.  "You're thinking as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you  keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" 

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of  rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional  drama.  "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.  I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors...  They didn't open. The library was closed.  

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.  Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a  poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it  asked.  You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers  Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today:  a recovering  thinker.  I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last  meeting.  

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just  seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.  I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. 

Today I took the final step.

I put up my autographed poster of Ann Coulter.

Needs a Little Help from Karl

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a
little PR.   After his talk he suggests the students ask some questions.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have four questions:

"First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

"Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

"Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

"Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?  Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Bush points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have six questions:

"First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

"Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

"Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

"Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?

"Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

"And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

* * * * *

Who needs jokes?  George is funny enough all by himself.

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." --Bush

For more of Addled George:

 http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm

* * * * *

The Strange Bush Scalp Fetish (Does He Shave his Dogs?)

http://rigorousintuition.blogspot.com/2005/02/smoking-scalp.html

* * * * *

Hey!  Watch that spin!

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions
are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are
a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served
honorably, and anything you say against it undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate our freedom?

* * * * *

Don't Mess With Bess

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in Minnesota.  The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn, the wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap.  The wife decides to take the boat out.  She
motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read  her
book.  Along comes a game warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and  says, "Good morning Ma'am.  What
are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start
up at any  moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says
the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you
could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", he said and left.

MORAL of the story: Never mess with a woman who reads.  It's likely
she can also think.

* * * * *

Life's Little Ironies

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

72.17% of all statistics are made up.

* * * * *

This is Your Brain on Authoritarian Religion. Any Questions?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination
according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura.

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

* * * * *

The Drugs You Really Need

Feeling stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine is developing
some great new stuff to make life easier.

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful
they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they
moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and
reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can
cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who
can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective
than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a
headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the
time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to
identify who to cross off the dating pool.

* * * * *

It Was Almost a Dark and Stormy Night

Bad Writing Contest 2002 link

* * * * *

They Can't Play Cards That Well, Either

Why Your Dog Can't Use Computers:

• He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
• SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the
  question.
• Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
• Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
• Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's
  browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
• The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
• He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got
  Mail".
• It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
• The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
• He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.
  

* * * * *

Just Undo It

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: Naive.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

* * * * *

The Hobgoblin of Small Minds Takes Revenge

So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that
one enjoys it?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

* * * * *

Barbie of Willendorf (link)

* * * * *

Blonde Husband

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

"Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal."

* * * * *

Have a Laugh (and a groan or two, or — oh, hell, they're cheap — three!)

Evidence has been discovered that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the league records were
destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle
down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live indefinitely on a diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. He was arrested immediately and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated
that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any
case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his
doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell
you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Company of
Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since
they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to
market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out
that although their watches were of finest quality, their
compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada
or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of
the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
lavatory equipment. A spokesperson for the police was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man
took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief,
instructing him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the
leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to
see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town registry. His wife
insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized
profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

And here's one for engineers and math lovers:

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin. One slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This demonstrates that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

* * * * *

Magic Camera Discovered (whimsical link)

* * * * *

Presidents Dance (link)

* * * * *

Latin Phrases for all Occasions OR
Who Says Latin is a Dead Language?

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.

(At a poetry reading)

Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
How do you get your hair to do that?

Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

(At a barbeque)

Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

* * * * *

Nothing Like A Nice Nap

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

* * * * *

Stuff Happens — Really Weird Stuff. Who Knew?

The following are answers given on a history exam by 6th graders:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice.They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and
threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

18. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.

19. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

20. Madman Curie discovered the radio.

21. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

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